I Might Be Going Crazy

Since undertaking this whole 'be-a-travel-blogger/forge-my-own-path/screw-the-9-5' thing, I've been finding it difficult to maintain balance in my life, and it's honestly making me feel a bit crazy. When it comes to commitment (of all kinds), I'm either all in, or I'm all out. Half measures are a waste of time. The problem with this attitude is that it's literally impossible to give your all to any one thing, because this is real life and there are real life responsibilities. There's this immense rotating screen constantly whirring in my head - lesson planning, my full-time job, growing my audience, writing good content, saving money, pursuing my travels, learning Korean, personal emotional growth, romance,  friendships with people old and new, obligations to my family, an uncertain future, blah, Blah, BLAH - it just goes on and on and on.

I am constantly wracked with doubts. 

Doubts about my ability to get the things I want, doubts about my self worth, doubts about the inherent validity of my dreams. At times it reaches such an unmanageable fervor that I wonder if I should just quit, and allow myself float away on a cloud of simplicity and ease.

They say that happiness can only be truly found when one is living in the moment, and a part of me honestly does believe that. However, the moment will not pay my bills, achieve my dreams, or make me a successful real live adult (because at the moment, I am very much faking it). Maybe those things aren't actually happiness, and I'm conflating two very distinct phenomena. Correlation is after all, not causation. But from where I'm sitting, that biz looks a whole lot like happiness.

All I want is everything. Is that so much?

I want the cake, I want to eat it too. Additionally, I want the recipe, the pan, the oven, and the delicious smells wafting through the house. But, I also want a kitchen that's clean... all the time.

I would never actually quit, I am far too stubborn for that, but I can't lie and say that it hasn't occurred to me. I know I'll find that balance, eventually, but sometimes I wish I could remove my brain, scrub it out on one of those old-timer metal wash boards, lay it out to dry, and then stick it back in. I want peace, but I also want an extraordinary life. Mediocrity is unacceptable. This being said, making something out of nothing requires a constant effort that offers future rewards, but can be utterly exhausting. 

I am trying my best, and ultimately that's all I can do.  If, at the end of the day, I know I did everything I could, that I was the best version of myself on that day - that should be enough.
Will it be enough? I'm really not sure. Like I said. All I want is everything.

How do you find balance? How do you kick ass and take names without having your ass kicked and name taken? Totally a serious question. Impart your wisdom onto me on Facebook, IG (abeautifulview0), or Twitter @abeautifulview0


Enjoy the beautiful view.



Photo Credit: Stairs